The Nim guide to coping when your spouse goes to jail

Firstly, and most importantly put that mobile away. Stop checking it every five minutes hoping he's called! he is in jail right now probably hoping he doesn't drop the soap or admiring his sexy new grey prison issue tracksuit, not just out on the town with his mates.  

This is the part I'm finding hardest.  I don't know what's going on, if he's ok.  I knew he had court at half 8 it is now half 10 and I've heard nothing...  I think it's natural to keep checking your phone for some sort of correspondence from him but you're gonna get NOTHING.  His phone is neatly sealed in a zip-lock bag along with all his other worldly possessions.   Ok, I'm a big fat liar I just ran upstairs to check my phone.  At this rate I'm going to have a nervous breakdown.  

On another note do NOT phone the police station and swear repeatedly at the person on the phone when they give you no information. It turns out they don't take to kindly to it and start muttering things about arresting you too.  Maybe I should have withheld my number.

Being a prison WAG isn't as cool as it looks on the TV. 

 I have a couple of friends who've done long stretches, a couple who've just been held in custody and an ex who spent two years in Pentonville before he got with me.  I never took it seriously before, enjoying the stories about prison but never really worrying.  It's a whole different kettle of fish when it's your man inside.  Suddenly you find yourself up at 3 in the morning googling stupid blogs searching desperately for a magic cure to the emotions you're feeling right now.   I'm a classic example of this sat here with makeup smeared over my face, my hair in what I can only describe as a birds nest writing one of these stupid blogs.   

On TV the spouse is always standing like a faithful Labrador in the custody reception waiting for their jailbird partner to stride sexily through the foyer towards them, free of charge and ready to go home.  Turns out if you rock up to a police station and try to do that in real life you get removed by three officers and told never to return.   

And if your spouse is charged and sent to prison, oh lord are you in for a surprise.  On TV you always see the missus arriving at visiting time, having a quick search and then running up to her spouse and then kissing each others faces off and slipping him a few grams of his favorite drug.  Then when they say visiting time is up the missus always stands up and starts shouting 'NOOOOO' and then is removed from the prison.  If you do that in real prison you get a lifeban from visiting.

DO NOT GET DRUNK

Trust me girl crying in bed with a bar of chocolate is your best bet right now.  My first instinct was to hit up the Rose and progress onto pints of vodka.   Then I remembered my man wouldn't be around to collect me from town and make sure I got home safe and I had a mini meltdown.  Then I remembered, Alcohol makes you more emotional. Alcohol makes you cry.  And the image of me crying on some poor stranger in the pub with snot dripping out my nose made me turn round and go home.

It's ok to cry

Just before my man got taken to jail I remember feeling sad.  A mix of sorrow, guilt, depression, and just overwhelming despair that this is happening.  We then had a mini row with him saying 'why are you being like this it's not you this is happening to'... well duh yeah it is, you're the most important man in my life and I'm trying to console you, while dealing with my emotions and trying to comfort you.  It's ok to cry and feel stressed, in fact I recommend it.   I do suggest changing your phone wallpaper to a picture not to do with him because I have the most gorgeous picture of my man as my wallpaper and every time I'm crazily checking my calls I see his face smiling back at me and it makes me cry a tin bit.  He has now been replaced with a picture of a kitten.

Prepare to be woken up by a total bitch at 7am asking if you'd like to speak to your spouse.

I work evenings.  I do NOT EVER wake up before 9am.  So this morning my phone rings waking me up from a dream about a zombie invasion with all kinds of cool guns and shit.  I was just about to kick some zombie ass, so that's enough to put you in a bad mood.  When I answered some woman said 'Hello I have Al here he would like to speak to you, Is that ok?'  I was half asleep, my throat was dry and sore and she sounded far away and sort of distorted. I wasn't sure if I was dreaming so I said 'yeah that's fine' then she said 'Ok I'm going to put you on hold and then put you through ok?' and I replied 'yes!'  then she rudely half shouted 'I'm going to put you on hold and then put you through IS THAT OK' again and I rudely half shouted back 'yes!'
.  Then I spoke to Al and he sounded like a robot, I wanted to cry and then just as I was saying I loved him and good luck the bitch cut the line.  


List of dos:

• Dance round the living room in your pants because you can now your spouse isn't here
• Buy SHEDLOADS of chocolate
• Watch chickflicks
• Enjoy control of the TV remote for once
• Avoid oportunist perverts and creepers
• Sing along to your music in privacy and pretend you're in a musical
• Talk to friends.  This is so important.  I am withdrawing from all my friends because I am so miserable but if your spouse goes down for a long time friends will be all you have
• Take time for you, get your nails done. Go for a walk, Go for lunch. Have a hot chocolate ith shed loads of cream and marshmallows
• Go to work, work is going to be so therapeutic today
• Buy loads of things he doesn't allow you to buy usually; Hello new heels!
• Sing in the bath
• Do the Single Ladies dance round the kitchen.  Trust me you will feel so much better 
• Delete his episodes of Top Gear and footy matches off the SKY+ (to be later blamed on the cat when your spouse gets home)
• HAVE FAITH.  He will only have to serve HALF of his sentence he is given and will be home soon

List of donts:

• No flirting with his best friends/ cousins/ dad/ uncle/ or anyone.  You are still a taken lady, lady!
• Have a crazy fit 
• Get drunk, high on any sort of drug or commit suicide.  He IS coming home
• Talk to any pf the opportunist perverts
• Scream that there is a rat in your kitchen to remember he isn't there to save you, then discover the 'rat' was actually a soft toy....
• Stop showering or shave your hair off
• Worry that he is getting bummed in the showers or stuck in a sewer whilst trying to make his daring escape from prison... this just happens in films
• Worry that he isn't coming back, he is
• Do your 'Butt like a Brazillian' workout in the lounge with the curtains open when the window cleaner is due round.  That is one way to ensure you will never make eyecontact with the window cleaner again.  

So anyway, I hope this has been helpful, maybe even made you smile and remember HANG IN THERE xx

Nimmy xx

Two freaking magpies

General crap: 

I'm all recovered now from my illness if not still slightly dehydrated.  That was rough as hell, I couldn't get out of bed and when I eventually could I couldn't walk more then a few steps without feeling like I'd been drinking drinking petrol.



Something really, really horrible happened to me a couple of months ago and I lost a lot of blood again but luckily I was on a week off from work and had my fiancee there to console me, well console each other really.  I'm having investigative surgery to find out why this has happened a second time and then a really simple operation under local anesthetic.  After a couple of days I should be back to work which is great as what I hated most about being ill is all that laying around in bed, I love to dance and not dancing for ages really pissed me off.   The physical scars have healed it's just these emotional ones that are killing me the most.  I know I have the rest of my life but now I have two huge holes in my heart and the pain wont go away.



Ladies I suggest getting yourself a PROPER bra fitting.  I'd been wearing a modest 32FF bra from M+S for ages now but I was having constant back pain and neck pain and on a myriad of painkillers for the pain.  Then, whilst on holiday I popped into a proper bra shop for a new bra and came out with a 28K measurement.  My new bra is fanbloodytastic, no more back pain, no more neck ache.  The girls are firmly supported. No more spilling out.  The nice lady told me that bra shops will just give you a wrong size so you buy from THEIR selection of bras. So the chick who told me I was a 32FF could obviously see I wasn't going to fit into one of their bras in my actual size.  I'm loving Figleaves and Bravissimo for the big booby ladies and Freya's S/S 2013 underwear is sooo pretty.  



I'm also so excited because I'm off to Amsterdam for my birthday with the most magik magic man in the world and a few others.  It's gonna be banging to put it bluntly in London terms.  



So what I really wanted to blog about was family. I thought I had a pretty good case when it came to crappy parents.  As you grow up you learn to just laugh at it and not let it affect you as much.  The alcoholic mother HAHA!  The deadbeat father who doesn't even know when my birthday is, hasn't spoken to me since January and used to sell Coke with a 3 year old me and a 6 yr old cousin in the flat, bloody hilarious!!  Haha just remembered the time he left me locked in his van for 4 hours while he went a shagged his girlfriend.  ROFL.   But that was until I met Ally's parents.  Jesus christ.  

The family is fit for Jeremy Kyle.  First he has the spiteful, twofaced, conniving sister with a motormouth and extreme maturity issues.  Brothers who avoid him because of his mothers craziness. and a stepmother who thinks she's a size 8 celebrity when really she is extremely overweight, bitchy as fook, and the entire family can't stand her.  Members of his extended family all shagging like rabbits, changing partners as often as they change their pants.  but worse then that is his mum and dad... hmm I can't decide which is worse but I'm thinking his mother so I will start with his dad.  His dad found a new gf and left poor little Al without a clue where his dad had gone, used to drink drive them home from days out, spent all his access days in the pub,  beat him up so badly that he was arrested,  some much other stuff that I don't want to say for privacy reasons but his dad is a prize pillock.  He has more money then sense and more chins then a Chinese phonebook (sorry I couldn't resist)  He seems to have forgotten his other kids and only cares about the two he's got now.  He doesn't deserve to call himself a father. He's more of a sperm donor and the way he treats AL is disgusting.  Allan has reached out and forgiven him so many times and Al's dad doesn't seem to remember this.

Ok here is the big one, his mum.  Would you toss your kid out in the snow with no coat? Make false allegations to the police because you're in a bad mood about criminal damage YOU inflicted yourself then blame it on your kid?  Treat all your kids like shit and constantly put your new bit of cock before them?  Give your own kid a serious complex and selfesteem issues? Never encourage them or support anything they do?  Yet more I can't say for privacy reasons but it makes my blood boil, I'm suprised Al has turned out how he has with those two for parents.  They do NOT deserve him.  Somehow he's managed to turn out OK.  His parents make mine look like saints.   I just hope he has a long, happy life away from them and doesn't let it affect him.  



That's enough about that.  Is anybody going to any festivals this year?  I'm thinking of Outlook in Croatia...



There is some happy news in my life though :D gonna write a blog about that later though because I need to choose a dress etc and I wanna blog about the dresses and colour schemes etc.



Had some bad luck recently and everyday I've been seeing just one single solitary magpie.  Bastards. I'm not superstitious about magpies until recently.  Life has just collapsed for everyone around me, seems like everyone is suddenly on the brink of collapse. So this morning I open my back door and see TWO magpies sitting on my shed, then suddenly the phone rings upstairs, the moneys been paid, the case has been dropped, I've got a job interview and the problems seem to suddenly be lifting.  

Those sneaky bastard magpies f***ing my shit up.