Got so much to write about.
The first is spirits, ghost, ghouls.
I believe in spirit they just scare the shit out of me. If I ever actually saw someone or something that wasn't really there I think I'd scream and run like a bat out of hell outta there. I did once but I was too perplexed to realize it wasn't normal for a good couple of hours after. I saw a shadow casually strolling down the street with NOTHING there to cast it. My friend thought I was high until he saw one too.
But the spirit I wanted to talk about is not bad, rather it's spirit that are making me question things. My life choices etc. Every time this week I've gone looking for one thing I'll pull it out, and a crystal will either be underneath it or tumble out from whatever I was trying to find. I'd lost my faith in crystals and lost them all somewhere and due to the fact I've been finding so many, have been using them religiously these past few days in case they were put there for me. Do we think divine intervention or coincidence?
I was really upset on Thursday and the most scary thing in the world happened to me. Only a couple of my CLOSEST confidents know what happened because I was freaked. I had stepped outside about 11.30pm for a breath of fresh air and I was quite upset from an argument with a friend. I was walking round the block and I got a sudden rush of anger and said 'if spirit is real fucking give me a sign and tell me what to do with my life'. I sparked up a fag and started making a slow walk up the road away from my house . Suddenly this guy came up behind me and asked me if I'm alright. I said yeah and he was asking me what's wrong and if I'm sure I'm alright and where my house is. I said yeah and then 'oh my mates waiting for me down there' and turned to walk in the opposite direction to.get away from him as alarm bells were ringing as a young female alone in the dead of night. I glanced behind me as I left and saw him walking up the hill away from me.
I speed walked away about 5 minutes down.the road, glanced back and saw him following me down the road! He was walking very quickly and when I looked back at him he darted into the shadows and I used my phone reflection to see he was back on the path again following me with some speed now. my heart was in my mouth, I SPRINTED home. Was it just some crazy psycho murderer or was it somebody in the spirit world trying to tell me 'do not go out alone at night you stupid little girl!'
Plus every cat I go near suddenly turns from a normal pussy with bright lovely eyes, to a scatty thing with possessed eyes. I shit you not, when I go near most cats their eyes cloud over and get the possessed sheen. It's hard to explain unless you've seen a cats eyes turn like that lol. I guess all the pro-science people out there are going to say something like 'oh every cat you come into contact with has cataracts (no pun intended)'
Thats enough about spirit, I'm losing my thought train.
I just thought of my dream date in the summertime. I'd love to meet a guy, preferably a DJ. We'd be on a sandy beach drinking rum and cocktails and dancing the night away to dance-hall music that he was playing. Doing a bit of dutty whining and just generally shaking my thing. I love to shake it, I dunno why lol. Then we'd go home and rock those sheets to the limit or maybe the beach. Maybe dinner first fresh barbecued fish and veg washed down with pure fruit juices then slowly dancing to this song under the stars http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=one+by+on+e+mavado SIGH.
Ok lets talk about Bailey. I need to explain how I feel and how it feels to lose a baby.
He was due on March the 15th and if you are any kind of friend you will support me on that day. I don't want to have to say 'hey it's my due date today' when everyone asks me whats wrong on that day. a TRUE FRIEND wouldn't even need reminding. I'm so scared no-one will remember and I'll be dealing with it all on my own. I'm going to be a mess especially with mothers day on the 10th of March as well. Cuddles and lots of distractions are on the menu for March I think.
Please do not EVER tell me me 'it's ok you'll have another baby and forget all about him'. WILL I FUCK. If one more insensitive emotionally defunct wanker tells me that again I will not hesitate to put my fist through their face. No-one will ever be my Bailey. He doesn't have a dad, it's just me and he was the love of my life.
The second I found out I was pregnant I was really REALLY shocked as I'd always been told I'd have trouble conceiving, and I was really young, but despite all of that I suddenly felt all this love for him. I cancelled my plans for that day and went day dreaming round town looking at baby clothes, I knew even then in my gut that he was a boy. The only thing I could stomach was Bacon and Mustard sandwiches with gherkins in lol #typicalpregnantwoman and I was desperate to tell everyone my happy news but I didn't want to risk it before three months, I couldn't resist writing a cryptic status though.
Sometimes I think it's all my fault for putting up that status, tempting fate.
Sure, yeah there are positives to my miscarriage such as... I can be footloose and fancy free, party all night and day, not sacrifice free booze just because I'm pregnant, I can still wear skinny jeans.... Who am I kidding!!!!. Those things I don't even care about anymore. There are no positive sides. and I'm worried I'm turning into a crazy lady. One of my good friends recently gave birth and I am avoiding her because I don't want to see her baby. I find myself unconsciously glaring at pregnant women and babies. I just can't stand them anymore. I used to be the first person to stick my head in someone pram and start cooing over their bundle of joy and now I actually cross the road to avoid buggies, I sit in corners of the restaurant away from children, and I avoid my friends with children like the plague. A baby was grinning at me on the tube yesterday and trying to play peekaboo and much to the disdain of it's mother I hid behind a newspaper. This isn't me! When will it stop?!!
I keep thinking of the things I will never do and hold him is the one that cuts me deepest. I'll never know his birth weight, I'll never know if he had hair like mine and dress him up in silly outfits he'll hate me for in 20 years time, I'll never know it feels like to hold him in my arms and trying gently getting him to sleep. I'll never get to teach him to walk, swim and teach him letters and numbers for school. Never get to take him to the zoo or a farm or mess around in the park, never get to chase him round the house pretending to be a tickle monster, will never get to read him a bedtime story, battle to get him to have a bath, or tell him off for not eating the yucky vegetables on his plate. Never get that proud moment when they're in a school play or win at sports day. I'll never even get to see what he looks like.
and that kills you inside.
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